I was recently invited to be on a book podcast, and in the lead up to that interview, they sent a thorough questionnaire about my background and views on writing. It took me a while to answer the questions and had me thinking about how much better I’ve always felt expressing myself in writing.

Throughout my life, I’ve always had the fear of being misunderstood. I loved performance, because it gave me the freedom to express myself and transport an audience without having the pressure of verbally being placed on a spot. Oh, you’re going to play Queen of the Night? Here’s the manual (vocal score) and here’s the stage directions (from the director). The rest is up to you. Easy Peasy.

I would draft papers in college and my professors, many of whom knew me very well, would comment that I didn’t write in the same way that I speak. I knew as much, because I felt then (always, always felt) that I was a little less of myself if I wasn’t able to write it out.

Now three years into having a better understanding of my brain and how I process things (neurodivergent, for those who are new here), I can see why writing is not only a place where my creativity can flourish but a safe haven from feeling misunderstood.

Today, I understand that I spent years and years masking in social situations: repeating phrases that I’d memorized or found hit the mark in group conversation that I could rely on instead of relying on myself to wing it, practicing difficult or even new conversations beforehand in the car. I was told I was a good listener, but really, I just asked questions about the world and the people around me to offset any attention on me, obvious fraud in the room who could memorize an entire operatic score in something that wasn’t their native language, but didn’t feel as if I could string two sentences together without thinking it through first.

My husband would joke that I had a second life as a detective. Five minutes with me, and I would know how many siblings someone had, where they worked, how long they were undecided as a major in undergraduate school, and why they preferred dogs over cats. I don’t regret that I spent so much time learning about others. It was very effective talking to patrons after a performance. Patrons who wanted so badly to share what made the show special to them and why. And to be clear, nothing I said was fake. It just wasn’t the larger picture of who I was.

It’s why finding people that ‘got me’ felt like such a relief. I’d always assumed that it was because we’d had the same interests, but it was because, around these people, my masks were allowed to come down. I wasn’t forced to prepare for our interactions. I could be me. (Incidentally, many of these people are neurodivergent, too. Scary how we find each other)

That’s what writing has offered me as well. In the drafts, I get to be the best, most unfiltered version of myself. I was reminded of this when I was answering questions for that pod when they asked how my music background affected my writing. I mentioned it there as I’ll do here.

I once went to work with an acting coach in preparation for auditions. For those unfamiliar with the classical singing world, especially opera, singers usually have at least two teachers on hand after they leave school: voice teacher and vocal coach. Voice teachers work technique while vocal coaches focus on language and style (You don’t sing Mozart like you sing Puccini, etc). If you’re fortunate, you can pay to work with an acting coach that can help you work through the dramatic aspects of a character. For me, I was preparing for auditions in NYC and was taking new repertoire. I visited with a director I’d worked with before, and as we worked diligently through a pretty big aria (character’s song), he stopped me at one point and said, “I can see it in your eyes when the character disappears”. (He was right; he was always right, but it didn’t make it less annoying.) We worked through the aria and finally, I started to relax into the choices I was making in character. I was overjoyed and buzzing on the high of that success, of pushing through, but I was frustrated. Why I did I need that reminder? (even though that was WHY I was there, hello!)

He told me something that I still think about when I’m drafting. When I expressed frustration, he said:

Okay, simple. But it shook me to my core, because I wasn’t just someone editing myself in my performance practice. I was editing so many parts of myself at any given moment that I was hardly sure how much of me was the genuine article anymore.

It’s advice that I’ve carried with me since then and straight into my writing. Believe me, there’s time and there’s a place for editing. But in that first draft, in that story you’re trying to exorcize from that creative treasure chest in your brain, stop editing it before it gets to the page.

Stop holding yourself back before you give the idea space to breathe.

Listen, I know there are exceptions and if you’re a seasoned writer, yes, you will likely edit the phrasing before you release it through your fingers. What I’m talking about is that little strange bit of dialogue you’re wrestling with or the idea that feels like it’s a little too much. Stop keeping your own ideas from yourself. Put it down and THEN deal with it. How can you know if it’s good or not unless you put it out there to examine?

When we do that, our readers finally get a piece of us, something at the very core of who we are.

We get to be true.

I’m now having to take that reminder into my everyday as I market a book and try to give little parts of myself to a space that doesn’t know me. I tend to be very private and debated for years about ever showing my face, so it was a leap to take that mask away. It was scary—okay, it still is. But my intention, in everything I do, is to be the most authentic unmasked version of myself as possible. Complete with silly videos and dancing. I’m going to talk about my writing and offer advice, even if I worry I’m out of my depth. Incidentally, those end up being some of my most popular posts.

Shocking. It’s like people crave authenticity as much as I crave it from myself <3

In case you missed it, I’m having way too much fun on IG and TikTok 🙂 I’ve included some of that below—a few things you may have missed.

Less than ONE MONTH ‘til A FINE LINE is released out in the wild! You can still pre-order here. There will be a little incentive for those who pre-order/order within the month of February, so be on the lookout for that!

I’m also doing a physical ARC giveaway (US Residents only—sorry)!! To participate, you need to share and repost the post below. Bonus entry if you tag a friend who may want to read A Fine Line! I will draw a name this Thursday!

I will also be posting opportunities for virtual book clubs around the book’s release, so stay tuned for those opportunities!

(and yes, book recs and recipes below, too)