The Art of Self-Sabotage

I was chatting with two friends this week, all creators of some sort, and they both brought up the idea of self-sabotage and why we choose to engage. I, thinking I had somehow managed to remove myself from this equation of harming my creative process by only killing my darlings, remembered that at least once a week, I’ve thought about this newsletter since making the decision to start it—hmm, when was that??—over a month ago.

It occurred to me that I do too participate in the sacred art of self-sabotaging myself out of a good thing, and maybe, just maybe, while I’ve removed multiple barriers in sabotaging my creative efforts, I’m less inclined to stop those barriers from coming up when it comes to sharing parts of myself and my journey. Let me be clear [insert Key & Peele Obama gif], I absolutely find ways to hold myself back when it comes to my writing or my goals, even in small ways, but my current predicament became more personal the longer I chose to dig.

I wasn’t raised to be private or withdrawn. I’m the product of two parents with very social habits, and there was a stigma surrounding the need for peace and privacy within our family. Don’t get me wrong. I love to socialize in spaces that seem meant for me, but even then, I like to take my time. Assess what’s there and let myself melt into the edges of the walls before I decide to take up space. And one way I always felt comfortable taking up space was through being creative. It was a type of indirect attention I could stomach, and it was my way of giving a part of myself without giving everything away.

I’ve thought about this more lately, and especially over the last few years when I realized that I have undiagnosed ADHD. I’m sure some part of me delaying a new post could be chalked up to that need in my brain to start some sort of new chaos that’s easily discarded once the shine wears off, but discussing this with my friend made it clear that it was more than that.

I’d actually taken the time to think this through when I opened up the account. I knew I wanted to try and traditionally publish my writing and have an outlet along my journey. Having been inspired and encouraged by others who had done the same, I knew that it could mean something to someone else, too. This wasn’t me yeeting a story to AO3, knowing I’d opened a can of worms that I’d have to wiggle my way out of with forty thousand words to be posted later. I’d taken the time to think about starting a newsletter—-even consulted an author that recently debuted.

So, why was I reluctant to post again after declaring that I would do it?

My best friend is a talented writer, photographer, and artist, and I think one of the things that gets to the heart of the matter of self-sabotage is our perception of outside commentary. Weeks ago, faced with her desire to finally post some of her work to not only generate a little income, but put herself out there artistically, she shared what was holding her back: people. She was worried that she’d be presenting another facet of herself, yet another interest, another business model to the people in her world. She was drumming up commentary that didn’t exist (and hello, I’m anxious! I get it!), and I responded with what I wish we could tell ourselves more: You can’t help that you’re multi-talented.

She sent me a picture a few hours later with this text message printed off and posted on her board above her desk, because she realized that it wasn’t her talent and work ethic stopping her.

We revisited this topic recently when she mentioned that she’d yet to get back to posting that artwork and brought up the same word I’d heard from another friend that very same day. I admitted that in my writing, I’d worked so hard to keep myself from holding myself back—even refusing in the early days to graveyard snippets if I was only holding onto it because I was afraid I’d never write anything else worthwhile. I made myself vulnerable in creating stories and characters, stitching together dialogue, and weaving together messy meet cutes, and that always felt like it was enough. But then when it comes to being open—even at the surface—in front of others, it feels too much like weakness and not enough about empowering that part of me that has something to share.

My career in music exacerbated this, I’m sure. Triumphs and disappointments never felt in equal measure, because each disappointment was weighted with the need to explain away the failure as if it was my job to console the people around me.

I think it’s time to strike a balance.

I remember a while back in one of my documentary watches with my partner, identifying with Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters when addressing their music videos. They were known early in the band’s conception for producing silly, memorable videos that tied in very little to the music. He said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that they took their music seriously, but never themselves. That resonated with me as a creative, but especially in the last several years as a writer. I chose a silly PFP that gave me a laugh and never tried to engage very far beyond writing. I deleted plenty of posts about my personal life (no major regrets, privacy is important), and stashed away away others in my drafts, never to see the light of day (also fine. some things are meant for a diary, I think).

Writing was the part of me I was willing and able and comfortable with putting forward.

But sometimes I’m afraid I went too deep in my efforts to conceal aspects of myself. I have every right to take my writing AND myself seriously.

It’s definitely time to strike a balance. I’m a writer, and I’m on a querying journey that can feel lonely, but also rewarding as I learn more and connect with others that are doing the same.

I don’t have to give the world every slice of my anxiety pie, but I can share a piece. Because maybe you, dear reader, are self-sabotaging, too. Maybe we all are a little at a time in ways we don’t realize.

I’ve had a few opportunities to connect with writers outside of my bubble in the last few months, and I’ve been hesitant. (That fandom bubble is strong, y’all) But I’m stepping out of my comfort zone with introducing myself at these networking events as a writer (hello, you write, therefore, you are a writer) First up this month? Attending a live and in-person author talk that I hope to share about later.

Before that? This post that I promised my friend I would make.

(I love reading and love food, so indulge me. I hope to include a little of both with every post <3)

Recent Recipes/Recent Reads